~ The Benefit of Unveiling the Untold Stories of Our Intentions ~
Author: Melda Baysal Walsh
The portrayal of guilt, although an unpleasant experience, has been argued to have beneficial outcomes for others due to its presumed underlying motivation to put the concerns of others above one’s own (Haidt, 2003). We might prevent experiencing guilt by assessing a situation and evaluating it based on its relevance to our own as well as other people’s values and objectives. A desire to avoid the experience of guilt might be viewed as a motivational “tool” that appears to be crucial to the process of achieving imagined “best” outcomes, such as preventing harm to our relationships. Researchers de Hoog, Nelissen, Breugelmans and Zeelenberg (2011) found in their studies that experiences of guilt oftentimes repair hurt relationships at the expense of others and rarely at the expense of oneself.
While one intention we hold for our interactions with others might be to maintain the absence of guilt, another intention might be to preserve safety, health, connection, stability, efficiency, and the list goes on. And yet, when the results of any actions we took part in have undesired consequences, the stories of guilt oftentimes become so prominent that the stories of our intentions become silenced. Guilt’s voice can become so loud that we might be unable to hear the whispers of intentions that are not readily accessible. Trying to be conscious of our frame of mind and staying curious about an opportunity to welcome a shift in perspective might make it possible to identify intentions that have been co-existing with the intention to avoid guilt. The following questions might be useful while intending to connect with additional motivations that guided us in our actions and which most likely are reflections of our values:
What are/were we trying to do?
Why was it important to us?
How were we able to show up in the ways we did?
Which values were motivating our decisions?
Taking a closer look at the range of our intentions might make it possible to reframe how we relate to experiences of guilt while acknowledging all of these experiences and validating their presence equally.
References:
- de Hooge, I. E., Nelissen, R. M., Breugelmans, S. M., & Zeelenberg, M. (2011).
- What is moral about guilt? Acting “prosocially” at the disadvantage of others. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(3), 462–473. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021459
- Haidt, J. (2003). The moral emotions. In R. J. Davidson, K. R. Scherer, & H. H. Goldsmith
- (Eds.), Handbook of affective sciences (pp. 852– 870). Oxford, England: Oxford University Press.
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